I would like to speak briefly about a type of body hair that I find… unforgivable.  It is called a neck beard, and if you are one of the sad people who believe those are ok, then this is my disclaimer: stop reading now, because the following contains explicit descriptions of my feelings toward this type of non-facial hair.

Now, I have no huge problems with normal facial hair.  Under the nose, on the chin, on the cheeks, those are all perfectly understandable places to have facial hair, because they are, in fact, part of your face.  Problems arise, however, when some allow their hair to grow under the chin,therefore, the hair is no longer on the face.  It is on the neck.  It can therefore not be called facial hair.  It is called a neck beard, and I hate it more than any other kind of hair.

A neck is no place for hair.  Hair does not look good there, in fact, I find it quite repulsive.  Repulsive enough in fact to blog about it in this fashion.  Now, I am a fan of necks, they look good on people.  I am also a fan of giraffes because they are obviously neck champions.  One should hold their head high to show off this part of their physique.  However, it is quite difficult to do this when it is covered hair.  It’s like the pubes tried to migrate to the face only to realize there was already an area there that had been shaved and gave up before they managed to get over the jaw line.

There is, however, one exception to this, as there is with everything.  If, and only if, you are a lumberjack, you may have a neck beard.  However, being a lumberjack requires a bit of commitment.  Being a lumberjack requires you to:

1. always where a plaid flannel, preferably in red or brown

2. carry an axe with you at all times (keep in mind this may get heavy, and cause concern at security checks at concerts, sporting events, or airports)

3. speak in a low voice and use grunts to communicate from time to time

4. work out constantly, in other words: to be a lumberjack, you must be jacked

5. where a hunting cap with flaps to cover your ears, in a color that matches your flannel shirt, as often as possible

6. always wear suspenders

7. you must wear work boots everywhere

8. when standing, you must have one foot up on a log, and when sitting you must THUD your feet up on the coffee table.

If what I have just described does not sound like the ideal way to live your life, than there is only one thing left to do.  Get rid of the squirrel under your chin.  And if you really like beards, then grow it ON YOUR FACE where facial hair belongs.